KIDS THESE DAYS
One new curtain, a dozen trips to Lowe’s, and the slow realization that nobody in this house is a plumber.
If you give a woman a new bathroom curtain, she’s going to want a new wall color. She will probably figure she needs some paint swatches, so she’ll make several trips to the paint store. When she finally decides on a color, she won’t ask for anyone’s opinion; she’ll buy the supplies and start painting that day.
While the woman is painting, she will begin to notice old stains in the floor tiles. Then she will go to Lowe’s and buy stain remover. She will probably get carried away cleaning the floor and forget about painting until the floors are scrubbed to her satisfaction. Then her husband will come home and find that the bathroom is in utter disarray. She will look up at him, see herself in the mirror, and notice she has a Benjamin Moore Frosted Toffee 988 mustache. She will advise him to use another bathroom for the time being.
The woman will resume painting the bathroom the next day. She will get the ladder stuck behind the toilet, and while she is struggling with it, she will notice that the toilet seat is old and dingy. When she finishes the first coat of paint, she will go back to Lowe’s and buy a shiny new toilet seat.
The next day she will finish the second coat and admire the new color while she waits for it to dry. Then she will notice that the fixtures do not complement the new color of the bathroom. She will go back to Lowe’s and buy new fixtures. She will be unsatisfied and then go to Home Depot.
While the paint is drying she’ll decide to replace the toilet seat. She will find the old toilet seat impossible to remove, as it is different from the new one and its screw will not budge. She will then move on to the floor vent cover, which doesn’t quite fit, so she’ll go back to Lowe’s and get a different floor vent cover and a new tool for the toilet seat.
Once the woman gets home with the new tool, she’ll slide beneath the toilet and still be unable to remove the seat. She’ll put the job aside for later and replace the floor vent cover, which again will not fit. Because she has other new hardware for the bathroom, she’ll move on and change the toilet handle. She’ll be very happy with it and become excited for her family to come home and see it. She’ll then replace the toilet paper and hand towel holders and fancy herself a plumber.
Because of the woman’s great success with the other fixtures, she will be determined to complete the bathroom. She’ll watch videos online, read the instructions, and dismantle the bathroom sink. Looking at the sink basin separated from the pedestal will remind her that she needs to get the toilet seat separated from the toilet, so she’ll find a different tool and try again. The seat still won’t come off, so she’ll go back to work on the sink. She’ll successfully unscrew the first supply line. Then she’ll try the second one and run into the same problem as the toilet seat; she will fail to remove the second supply line. This will remind her that she is not actually a plumber.
When her husband comes home, she’ll tell him that he will continue to need to use a different bathroom for the time being. Then he will see that the sink basin is sitting on the ottoman in the den, so he’ll grab a wrench and use all of his strength to remove the supply line and toilet seat himself. That probably won’t work, so he’ll decide they just need a new toilet. Then they will go together back to Lowe’s.
The woman and her husband will find the perfect new toilet and bring it home. They’ll haul it into the house, and the woman will notice the previously-purchased shiny new toilet seat on the floor. She’ll remember that she needs to take it back to Lowe’s, along with the ill-fitting vent cover, and leave the husband to work on the supply line. This will make him remember that he also is not a plumber.
Remembering that they are not plumbers will remind them that they have a business card of a handywoman on their refrigerator. So they’ll call her and schedule a day for her to help. The handywoman will come to the house the following day, and with great ease she’ll dislodge the other supply line and also replace the toilet. She’ll put the sink back together and add the new fixtures. Then the woman will see that she needs a new mirror to go with them. So she’ll go to the antique store and find one that her husband will think is too small and get it, anyway.
Hanging the new mirror will make the woman see that the bathroom light clashes with the new fixtures. So she’ll go online, order a new light, and remember that she also needs the right vent cover. She’ll locate just the right one and buy it, and when it arrives she’ll see that it makes the light switch covers look scratched up and faded.
She’ll peruse new switch covers online and then become overwhelmed with ads for light fixtures. She’ll see one that would look perfect in her kitchen and order it. Then she’ll notice that the kitchen curtains do not match the newly-purchased light. She’ll order a bamboo shade to go with the light fixture, and chances are, if she buys a new window covering, she’s going to want some new paint to go with it.
